The first time I experienced a major moment of absence was in 2019, I was 19 years old. I was in my first year of my undergraduate studies at Sciences Po Bordeaux. It was like being in the moonlight, but much more intense and for hours. I was physically in class, but mentally I felt like I was flying like I was nowhere. I was completely disconnected from my physical reality. Because it kept happening that day and spiraled out of control, I didn’t even realize I was in that state. When I came back to reality and looked at my watch, I realized that three hours had passed. At first I thought I was being lazy and sleeping all day, but in reality I didn’t really close my eyes, it wasn’t sleep. I hid my face, I tried to live my life despite everything, but I had a lot of difficulties this year.

Even if I felt an episode was coming, I was able to suppress it at some point in class. I couldn’t concentrate 100%, but I could answer when someone asked me a question. Over time, I learned to recognize the moments when I was tempted to slip into this state and put them off. It’s a bit like really wanting to smoke a cigarette but knowing you can’t. The desire keeps getting bigger and bigger until we finally get home and smoke ten cigarettes. I often went to work in university libraries because there I was less tempted to lie in bed and “phase” all day.

At the end of my third year of my bachelor’s degree that I completed In Martinique I decided to abandon my studies and withdraw from all forms of social life, partly because of my mental state. For two years I lived alone here and there, in a family house in the mountains on the way to Compostela, I worked in vegetable farming… I also began to have psychoses. This was paranoia: I was convinced that certain people wanted to harm me or had harmed me in the past. It was hell because I imagined terrible things and then constantly doubted their reality.

I was extremely angry with myself for even thinking that something like this could have happened. At the same time, I also had moments of absence, so either I was off or I was “on,” but that didn’t flash across the board. A vicious circle that made me lose control, this time it’s very blurry in my head. I had suicidal thoughts. When I was almost about to do something, I decided to ask for help.

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