“I had pain in my body, in my head, and the only way to forget that pain was to drink.”

When I first started drinking I was 12 years old. I’m at a friend’s house, we’re stealing a bottle from her parents’ kitchen. I immediately feel like I’m addicted. In my family, many of my relatives have addiction problems, be it with drugs or alcohol. You could almost say I was born this way; I’ve always had an addictive tendency. When I was younger it was reading. I read constantly and forget to eat, sleep, drink and do my homework. My parents then confiscated all my books for over a year. In response, I started sleeping a lot. More than fourteen hours a night. My parents had to shake me up there too. When I was in withdrawal, I even started harming myself. My body ached, my head ached, and the only way to forget the pain was to drink.

From the beginning I drink and take drugs alone or with my friends. When I was fourteen, I was in a group on the banks of the Seine. I don’t know, but I drink a liter of vodka alone. When I get up, I obviously can’t stand it. I take an Uber, but I throw up in it. The driver leaves me alone on the ring road near the Porte de Pantin. My phone battery is dead, I don’t know where I am. Luckily, a group of six friends come to my aid and I manage to tell them my mother’s number. She comes to disturb me but is glad that nothing happened to me. When I later talked to her about this episode, I realized that the friend group consisted of three people, not six. I saw double.

It’s the only time my mother sees me drunk. As soon as I drink, I lie to my parents. When I go to a party, I tell them that I’m going to a friend’s house to spend the night. I tell them about the drunken escapades of my fellow human beings, always failing to mention that it wasn’t them, but I, who was the drunkest person. In high school, I couldn’t go to class without drinking.

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Every morning I wait outside the Monoprix until it opens so I can buy a bottle of vodka, which I then drink straight away. When I was underage and buying alcohol, I was never checked for my age. In high school, teachers suspected me of drinking alcohol in class but had no evidence. I will never be called. I am often absent and miraculously receive my high school diploma, largely thanks to the health crisis.